REALLY FAST THIEF DOES NOT CROSS FINISH LINE - YEUGENIY OSTEROV of Philadephia may have outrun the law on July 1, 2019, but with the help of some science, left something better than his ID card - his DNA. The examination of items he abandoned at the ACME after the confrontation with employees yielded evidence that was matched to a DNA database that revealed his identity. He was charged with the theft and will have his day in court.
WAR AND PEACE BANDIT - Witnesses at ACME report this thief as having "professional" foot speed as he ran out of the ACME empty-handed. Officials were unable to confirm the actual speed that he accelerated to, but felt lucky that they were able to capture his pre-departure image. Large amounts of Axe (War) and Dove (Peace) soap products were abandoned inside of a shopping cart at the store after the thief realized that employees were watching his every move. If you have any information as to someone that you know as being really fast and clean, contact the Lower Southampton Township Police at 215.357.1235 or submit a tip.